Sue Happy Cruise

Tom Cruise will sue anyone - ANYONE - who asserts publicly that he is gay. Same as Liberace did nearly 50 years ago. The rumors have been flying about Tommy for over 20 years, and now that it has been confirmed that he posed seductively in softcore pics for a gay magazine many years ago, the wildfire speculation of his true sexuality is again running rampant. It seems that more and more people are coming to the conclusion that he IS gay, and that his marriage to Katie (My Career is in the Shitter) Holmes is along the same lines as the Claudia Schiffer/David Copperfield set-up from years ago - i.e. she has a contractual obligation to fill as his heterosexual mouthpiece and in the future, when the divorce is imminent, she will walk off with a substantial "thank-you" check. And besides, that mole-child she totes around like luggage is definitely not his. There is no resemblace whatsoever to him.

Anyway, before I stray...

I recently re-read some of the many court documents pertaining to Mr. Cruise's lawsuits against Chad Slater, who claimed he had an affair with the superstar. While Tommy never appeared in court, his battalion of legal eagles did all the wrangling for him. It was documented that Cruise did indeed hire gay porn stars - not just one, but many - over the course of his marriage to Nicole Kidman, to perform certain duties. Those mostly included wrestling, which is one of Cruise's favorite sports to participate in. His lawyers argued that Tommy chose these individuals, of which there were at least 10 named in the suit, and paid them handsomely (upwards of $40,000 for an evening of wrestling), since, as his lawyers claimed, hiring a personal trainer was not a good idea since Cruise was afraid of publicity. WHAT? So instead, he turned to the world of gay porn and paid these hunks who fucked for cash - and probably drugs - to wrestle him, so the publicity would not get out. According to the papers, Cruise paid cash, gave the guys cars, paid their rent, etc. Again, as his lawyers stated, it was strictly a business arrangement, and the porn stars were well taken care of. But, they didn't remain silent, and when Chad Slater went public, he was immediately slapped with a $100 million lawsuit for defamation of character. The lawsuit became big news, and eventually was settled with Slater later recanting every word, probably because Cruise's lawyers were leaning on him pretty heavily. However, Cruise lost his lawsuit against Slater's ex-wife, and was forced to pay her legal fees. She also claimed that her marriage broke up because of Cruise's affiar with her then-hubby. The judge asked his lawyers several times why Cruise didn't just hire a personal trainer like al the other celebrities, to which they claimed, again, that there was a possibility of the trainer going public with Cruise's workout routine.

So what does all this mean?

1.) Tom Cruise has paid many gay porn stars over the years to wrestle him because paying a licensed personal trainer was a guarantee of negative publicity.

2.) Tom Cruise will sue your ass if you even vaguely hint that he's a trouser hound.

3.) Tom Cruise MUST be straight because he has fathered a child (Remember, kids - his children with Nicole Kidman were ADOPTED. At the time of their marriage, she claimed she could never have children. Now she has one. SURPRISE! I long suspected that the reason they never had their own kids was contractual and he probably couldn't get his dinky up for a chick).

4.) Like Liberace, Tom Cruise is STRAIGHT!

5.) Tom Cruise will sue your ass if you even vaguely hint that he's a butt-pirating cockhound.

I do wonder if Cruise is simply so deeply closeted that he really has no concept of the reality and gravity of his actions. Scientology hates homosexuality, and even has a program that can turn a person straight, so maybe the cult has something to do with it. I don't know.

I do know that Tom is a weirdo- psycho- nutcase, and, like a mad dog, should be put down. The whole couch jumping thing on Oprah and his sham marriage to Joey from Dawson's Creek is just more and more proof that his grasp of reality is slipping. His film career is in the crapper, and, except for his hardcore Scientology buddies (Will Smith and Jada Whatever Her Name Is This Week), his friends have pretty much abandoned him. Except Oprah, who, it seems, is doing anything she can to help Tom tell the world that he is a hetero daddy and loves his darling wife. And he did try to make Katie look exactly like Victoria Beckham a while back with her new hairdo and clothes.

I see that Katie Holmes's first foray onto the Broadway stage is fraught with peril because Tommy-boy keeps making demands on the producers and directors (more lines, more stage time, less actors near her, etc.) and the production itself has gone into a tailspin, as Ms. Cruise shows up tired and unprepared, while Hubby Tom makes more and more unreasonable demands to promote his wifey in her new venture (her movie career has all but dried up. Christopher Nolan didn't want her back for the Dark Knight probably in anticipation of the meddling Tom would do while on the set). Since marrying Mr. I'm Not Gay, Holmes's asking price for a film has tumbled from upwards of $6 million to her begging to be in the Dark Knight at a salary of $200,000. Still, Nolan said "NO."

I guess I can anticipate a lawsuit from Cruise to be at my door any minute.

Or maybe we can wrestle...