Just Go Away!

There are any number of celebrities and public figures who have made themselves quite the nuisance within the media. You know the ones - the aging diva who's fan base dissolved twenty years ago; the politician who cannot get enough of her own image on television; the washed up tweener movie star who prefers to be drunk in public. A friend of mine once said that when a celebrity's public antics and constant need for media attention overshadows their art, then that celebrity should step out of the spotlight and just disappear from public life forever, or at least until they can find a reasonable way back - after a long duration of invisibility - to regain the public's trust/empathy/love.

Herewith, I present a list of celebrities and other notables who have abused their time in the limelight with their absurd activities and other humiliations.

• Madonna - Now into her fifties, this badly aging drag queen still struts around in public in fishnet stockings and Member's Only jacket, desperately trying to maintain her tenuous grasp on the remaining fans she has left. Her recent concert appearance in Chicago was critically panned, considering 85% of the show was lip-synced and the crowd was as anemic as a seventh-grade girl. And now her continuous press revelations regarding her failed marriage to British/homosexual Guy Ritchie. Madge/Vadge/Esther crowed recently in the press that she is the sole custodian of all the money the couple shared during their connubial bliss, and she will retain the three multi-colored children. Then she turns around and tells anyone who will listen that she is reaching out to her former husband, Sean Pen, because he is the only man she ever loved. What a sport, Maddie! A year ago you were on Oprah crying that the world didn't understand why you wanted to buy a black baby from Africa and that you were being treated unfairly. In reality, you treated the world unfairly by subjecting us to your horrible English accent (as forced and fake as a Jewish woman's orgasm), and then unleashed a dismal album of retro-junk. It's easy to see why you are so desperate to keep your name in the headlines - you're fan base has shrunk to a few drag queens who can still find outfits just like yours. And considering how putrid your songs and music have been the past decade and a half, Mad-Dog, the fags who do still worship you only do so because your repertoire is so easy to lip-sync - as well you should know.
• Lindsey Lohan - Pulling a public Anne Heche on the world, Lilo is now an avowed lesbian - not to be outdone by the same day revelation of another lezzie, Clay Aiken. And the girl that has been petting Lind's kitty? Samantha Ronson, a boozed-up, meth-addicted New York DJ who is famous now for being Lohan's girlfriend. Ronson is as ugly as a dog's butt, and it is apparent that she is so beyond washed up that she hitched her wagon to Lohan's falling star so she could get some ink in the tabs. And then Lilo gets fired from Ugly Betty because she is such a raging bitch that no one on the set can tolerate her or her antics. I wonder when Lind's will tire of the haggard Ronson and return to her first love - herself.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes - Cruise wrote bogus reviews for Holmes recent Broadway debut, ranting and raving about how wonderful she is on stage and effusively bursting at the seams over her talent and stage presence. What a crock of shit! The real reviews said what Tommy didn't: Holmes is not a stage performer, and is not even a relatively good actress. And Tommy's own career is being steered by his sister/manager with a new movie coming out that has had so many release dates that it is any wonder the film even got made! And now, Tommy gets fired from his newest escapade and is replaced by Angelina Jolie. Tommy shows up at Katie's performances only to show how popular he is with the crowd outside the theatre, signing autographs and chatting with fans while Ms. Cruise stands by, looking as if she is in a waking coma, as no one asks for her signature.
• Sarah Palin - Now that she has seen herself on television, she has no intention of going away. Sarah loves the attention she gets now, and since the McCain folks are long gone, she can say "whatever the durn heck she wants ta say." Like Jesse Jackson, Palin will actively seek out any camera with a red light on it, and will say and do anything to keep her face in the public eye. Unfortunately, Sarah has yet to realize that the American public is done with her - her 15 minutes are up. But, as any former beauty queen will tell you, the pageant isn't over till the last diva is standing. And Palin, who was second runner up in the only pageant she placed, she is out to try to prove that she should be number one - no matter who gets hurt. And she has no intention of going away any time soon, especially since she is still a punchline on late night television.
• The cast of the Hills - These spoiled rich brats need to be shown how to do a day's honest work, since they all live off what mommy and daddy provide for them, and they're all ungrateful turds. Spencer Pratt is a slimy weasel of a shit and that girlfriend, Heidi, is nothing short of a ghetto whore. The other cast of shitballs are a bunch of whiny, spoiled babies who will be surprised the day they have to actually do something instead of plot and plan how to get revenge on each other. And MTV should be faulted for allowing this human detritus to show how ugly the children of the privileged really are. No amount of money can turn these reprobates into real human beings.
• The Jonas Brothers - Devoid of talent and any singing ability, these Disney boys have turned into quite a goldmine for their daddy, a minister, as the boys proclaim their love of God and country in all their ear-splitting songs. Two of the boys look like Jewish lapdogs with their curly hair and bulbous noses. The middle boy, the one with the straight hair, is so obviously gay, staring seductively at the camera and gyrating sensuously. These three boys are so incredibly untalented, but the idiotic junior high set loves them and their androgynous look and music. Their 15 minutes are over now that the braindead tweener set has moved on to the star of the movie Twilight. And the cylce begins again...

The "Go Away" List

Recently, my co-worker said he wanted nothing to do with Britney Spears and her new album, which took me by surprise, since he has been a hardcore fan from the beginning. He said that her personal antics and public humiliations have far outshone her art. This got me to thinking of others who have more ink in the gossip columns for their hi-jinks than for their artistic endeavors, and that these "celebrities" need to just go away. Henceforth, is my list (in no particular order) of these washed up artists:

• Madonna - Now over 50, she insists on parading around in public in fishnet stockings and a pink Member's Only jacket, schlepping her brood of miscolored kids around for the paparazzi to snap. And now that her very public divorce is finalizing, we get a glimpse of the true washed up hag that Madonna really is. For the better part of the past year she has been denying any involvement with Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) the baseball player, yet in her divorce, she finally admitted to having a years long affair with him, and even made sure the paparazzo snapped pics of her white child Rocco wearing tons of New York Yankees clothes bought by A-Rod, right in the middle of the divorce. What a rotten mother you are, and a rotten person. You lied in public about something and denied it for months, and when the prospect of losing one penny of your vast fortune arose, you reiterated all that previous bullshit to save your own ass. I am surprised that George W. Bush didn't offer you a cabinet post, since clearly you are good at denial and lying to your fans. And what's with the rainbow of children. You have a white one, a brown one and a black one. You must soon be going for yellow...


• Lindsey Lohan - This little piece of shit is now more notorious in the tabloids than her film career has ever been. And now she's a lesbian. How very Anne Heche. And that girlfriend of hers, Samantha Ronson, looks like the last vestiges of her drug abuse are finally catching up with her. Lindsey couldn't even keep a job on the set of Ugly Betty, getting fired after only a few episodes. Stick to your new claim to fame, Lindsey: Keep other lesbians from dating the supremely fugley Samantha Ronson.


• Lauren Conrad and the cast of the Hills - a bunch of rich, bored kids with nothing to do but demean, debase and steal from each other. Spencer Pratt is a slimy disgusting creature who is all but hanging on Conrad for financial support. Have any of these degenerates ever worked for a living or has everything been handed to them by daddy and mummy? If any of them ever got out in the real world, they wouldn't last an hour. Go Away!


• Britney Spears - Recently, she told a British newspaper that she was dating the guy in her video "Womanizer." His name is Brandon Stoughton (sic?), and he is hot as fuck, but he's also a flaming homosexual. He is not interested in Britney in the least. And with all the other train wrecks that Brit has foisted upon us, it's no wonder she feels compelled to lie to the press to make herself look better. Who didn't see this coming?


• Michael Jackson - In and out of court and now sending creepy messages to Zac Efron. Telling Zac how much you like his movies, his hair and his eyes, and inviting him to visit you is just beyond creepy and sick. You are a pedophile, you sick son of a bitch! You got out of two trials because of your celebrity, but you didn't learn a thing did you? Next time you finger a child, you're going down, you filthy piece of plastic. Go Away Michael!


• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes - Now we find that Tommy has been writing bogus theater reviews of Katie in her stage debut, only that can't counter the otherwise dismal notices she is getting from real critics. And Tommy had her ousted from the set of Eli Stone, where Katie was supposed to make a several episode appearance, but was whittled down to one, since the producers couldn't stand for all the bullshit Tommy was throwing around on the set - demanding things and repositioning lights and shit. Tom Cruise is now a punchline for late night comedians and Katie Holmes is another actress with little to no future because of her stubby little husband. Guess all they can do is create more Stepford children like that butt-ugly Suri (who is NOT Cruise's child!)


• Amy Winehouse - For God's sake, why is this woman even allowed out in public? She is a drunken, drugged up mess. Put her in a jacket with sleeves that tie in the back and get her off the world stage before she finally dies of a massive drug overdose and falls on someone.


• Ellen Degeneres - After having the McCain's and the Bush daughters on her show, it is obvious that Ellen is not a true lesbian, and is subscribing to Republican ideals. By parading these types of guests on her show, and, in the case of the Bush's, crying on television because she can identify with the persecution their father is going through, is just a bogus attempt to secure more ratings. Ellen has become a shill for the RNC. Don't be surprised if she announces Sarah Palin as her new permanent co-host.


• Rosie O'Donnell - Having been off the air for a couple years now, Rosie has been very vocal when it comes to detailing her private life to anyone who would listen - and most people don't. She was fired from the View for being too militant lesbian, and has done nothing but complain and back stab anyone who she has ever worked with. Way to go, Rosie!


• The cast of Gossip Girl - Seems every time I turn around, one of these non-descript tweeners is in the press for one reason or another, either for their personal life, or to discuss the "issues" of the show. Chace Crawford has been dogged by rumors of his homosexuality for years before the show came on the air, and he seems to deny it as vehemently as Tom Cruise has done. The female members of the cast have all gone public with their fights on the set, and then kiss and make up in the press the very next day. I have watched the show once and will never do so again. It is horrible and sets a bad example for teens. Go Away!


• Halle Berry - A few years ago, she bitched about playing Storm in the X-Men films, yet she did it three times. She claimed that there are no good parts for black women in films and she has been demean

Letters

Dear Sarah Palin,

Wow! What an experience it was, eh? Seeing you up on those stages, parading around like the beauty queen you are, spouting hate rhetoric and race-baiting dialogue against your opponent, coming out of the gate at the RNC as a novelty and by the end, becoming a drag on the campaign. You started out so refreshing, and then we learned more and more of your personal life and your politics. Turns out you're not the person you want everyone to believe you are.

But it's over. And you can take your brood of misbegotten children and the "first dud" back to Elk Shit, Alaska, and begin plotting your next national move, which you have mentioned will be to run as president in 2012. Good luck. I think people saw through you the first time, with the ethics commission on "Troopergate," the $150,000 wardrobe, the diva behavior, the atrociousness of your underage daughter being pregnant, and so on. You'd do well to remain in your frozen tundra backyard and fix your own life before you try to get back out into the real world, dearie.

My guess is that you became so drunk on the power of the lights and stages, the cameras recording your every move, that you now believe you can become a national figure in politics. And with that kind of attitude, you may just succeed - look at Jesse Jackson. He's never met a camera he didn't pose for, just like you. And I do believe you have more to say, too. There are too many sinners out there that need to be exterminated from the United States - terrorists such as Jews, gays and - as you call black people - Negroes. The limelight was such an alluring spectacle for you and you probably had flashbacks of your beauty pageant days, but this time, not just competing in Moose Poop, Alaska, but all across the nation.

The next time we see you will be when Bristol-whore has her first child later this year, and then again in the summer when she marries the boy she picked out of a lineup of guys who may or may not be the father. By 2012, we can expect to see you when you parade across the stage at the RNC, your expanding family in tow, and lo, and behold, your youngest daughter is now pregnant. She should be about 15 or so by then, so it only makes sense that she should follow in her big sister's footsteps. What a great mother you turned out to be, eh?

Good luck to you, Sarah Palin. I fervently wish you would stay in Alaska, and leave the rest of the United States alone, because it became clear that you care only about yourself and would do your best to screw the rest of us.

Just like a Republican.