Christmas Wishes

Today is Christmas morning, and I have been thinking about the gifts I would like to receive. Herewith are some thoughts:

• Madonna will finally hold a press conference to inform the world that she is retiring and therefore holding her last press conference. And she stays out of the public spotlight until her funeral.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will be abducted by the alien warlord that is the symbol of the Scientology cult and taken to a planet far away from Earth where Tom can finally be an out homosexual and Katie can have birth more demon-spawn siblings for the hideously deformed Suri.
• Robert Pattinson, Taylor Kitsch, Ian Sommerhalder, Milo Ventimiglia, David Archuletta, and Cam Gigandet start doing gay porn
• Britney Spears and her family, including her knuckle-dragging father, slattern mother and sister-whore, Jamie-Lynne all meet at a restaurant in Redneckville, Arkansas and are arrested for public incestuous fornication. The judge so orders that they be locked up forever with no chance for release.
• Alicia Keyes, Leona Lewis, Mariah Carey and all the other rotten pop tarts who cannot hold a tune get a medical procedure that prevents them from ever singing another note.
• George W. Bush is murdered by Laura Bush - just like the guy she murdered a few decades ago. And then, in a fit of rage, Laura takes out her drunken, drug-addict daughters, the Cheney family and Condoleezza Rice while attending the gay marriage of Alberto Gonzalez to a seven year old boy - whom she also kills before committing suicide.
• Lindsey Lohan and her man-friend, Samantha Ronson are thrown out of every club in the United States and the motion picture industry as well.
• Angelina Jolie's lips finally explode.
• Sarah Palin and her family - all 4,000 kids and her husband - are swallowed whole by a massive crevice in the Alaskan wilderness, never to be heard from again.
• Every Republican is exposed for the liars and cheats that they are.
• Joe Lieberman, BFF of John McCain, travels back to Israel and is shot dead before his feet hit the hallowed soil
• Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia finally drops dead.
• Paris Hilton, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Nicole Ritchie, Amy Winehouse, P. Diddy, Kanye West, Jeb Bush, Kathleen Harris, Rudy Giulianni, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Cardinal George of Chicago, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Rev. Michael Pflegger are all trampled or gored to death at the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
• Barak Obama reforms Washington to such a degree that there is no more political partisanship, and everyone works for the common good of the American people instead of stealing from us and lying to our faces.
• American Idol goes off the air and Ryan Seacrest is free to pursue his true dream of being a drag queen in a West Hollywood gay bar.
• Osama bin Laden is finally caught (since Bush refused to do it), and is vivisected on public television by the families of the 9/11 tragedy.
• Hannah Montana is cancelled, forcing Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus to admit to a torrid incest affair and banishing themselves to the hills of Kentucky to raise their retarded offspring.
• The Jonas Brothers finally come out of the closet.
• Oprah balloons up in weight and explodes on the set of her show.
• Guy Ritchie tells an already suspicious public that Madonna is really a man.
• Hate-mongers like Rush Limbaugh, Hannity and Combs, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Larry Craig, the entire Bush family, Tucker Carlson, Donald Rumsfeld, the entire Cheney family, Nancy Grace, and Ann Coulter are rounded up and penned in an escape proof jail where they cannibalize each other.

Bits and Peaces...

Just some random things careening around in the brain:

Tom Cruise is releasing his Nazi propaganda film on Christmas day, and the buzz has been abysmal. The film's release date has changed more than Oprah's weight (more on her later), and the original ending - with Tommy actually executing Hitler in the bunker - was changed when test audiences cried foul. Altering historical fact is something only the Disney company can do. Not a closeted homo. Daily Variety says that the worst thing a studio can do is release a film at Christmas time glorifying the Nazi regime of World War II. Historically, this has been a coffin nail for films, and, with Tommy so desperate to change his image to an even tougher tough-guy, and because he covets the almighty Oscar, his studio, United Artists, which he co-owns with his sister, decided to do just that. So far, the reviews have been poor, but Tommy and his director Bryan Singer, have taken to the talk show circuit to make nice-nice and promote their film. I sincerely doubt this film will go anywhere. Cruise's bankability as a major star and box office draw has been severely crippled in the last few years with the couch-jumping (which he now says he shouldn't have done), his ripping Matt Lauer on live television (which he claims he did not think through), and his other antics (which a contrite Tommy says he feels he acted in an immature manner), and, of course, his distasteful marriage to the un-stellar Katie Holmes have made him a late-night talk show host punchline. And now the world may soon be besieged by a sequel to Top Gun, which Tommy says will be called Maverick. If you can't do something new, razzle-dazzle 'em with the same old shit and the unsuspecting public will never know the difference.

Oprah has been a back-burner story for a while now, and when the headlines were being gobbled up by bailouts and Obama appointments, she felt the need to share with the world that she has gained weight. WOW! This was one hell of a bombshell to unleash! Oprah and weight gain? Who would have ever put those two things together? And she cried for 32 minutes on her show and apologized to her audience and begged for their forgiveness. This news bite made headlines for nearly a fraction of a second until the next big (pun intended) story came around, and it involved another beloved Chicagoan.

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested and now has a pall of corruption hanging over his head, yet he refuses to step down from his lofty position. He is a accused of, among other things, trying to sell the senate seat vacated by Barak Obama. And he had some takers, according to the FBI. Now, Blago refuses to give up his control, and lawmakers in Springfield have gathered daily to discuss and decide what to do, spending millions of taxpayer dollars. And it occurs to me that there must be someone who has to check the governor. There must be a balance to his outrageous wielding of power, and his abject refusal to relinquish it. Is there not someone who is above Blago who can tell him that he is fired or at least suspended until the investigation is over? Apparently not, since every talking head in Illinois is giving interviews and attending meetings and spending more and more taxpayer money while trying to figure out what to do about this narcissistic son of a bitch who is clearly a danger to the state. Instead, they keep meeting and meeting and meeting and meeting, and no one has offered any solution, except to decide on a special election that will cost taxpayers nearly $50 million. And the Illinois Supreme Court (a misnomer if I ever heard one) has ruled that they will not rule on this matter. So it boils down to this: Illinois has a governor who is unfit to govern, yet is still sitting pretty because there are too many other politicians who refuse to do the right thing and will spend more money while telling the constituency that they are all about saving money. Since the people elected Blago to his position, shouldn't we, as a body, have the right to oust this corrupt piece of garbage? But apparently, our opinions don't matter. After all, we the taxpayers supply only one function: supply more money. I hope, come the next election, the people of Illinois wise up and stop putting these wastrels and cheats back in office and get some real legislators to do some real work on behalf of the state instead of the same hacks and ne'er do wells who currently run things.

Madonna is never going to go away, I have determined. It seems the Material Whore either holds a press conference or issues a press release nearly every hour of every day. I think it has much to do with the fact that, as a fading, washed-up celebrity who is known more for her tabloid escapades than any true artistic endeavor, she feels that she needs to share things with the rest of the world on a daily basis. I have come to the conclusion that Madge the Vadge is actually releasing pages from her diary instead. Last week she gushed to the Mexican press about her love for A-Rod, a baseball player whom I think is quite ugly. At a concert performance in Mexico, she even brought him up on stage and professed her love for this man, while the audience booed and hissed. The next day, A-Rod issued a press statement saying that he and Esther are only friends and that is all. The next day, Maddie, apparently unhappy with someone else issuing press releases, issued one of her own, saying that A-Rod is the love of her life. Then days later, she issues another press statement asking the press to back off of her doomed marriage to Guy Ritchie, and that details of their divorce are personal and confidential. Two days later, she releases the terms of the divorce - how much she gets to keep and how much she has to give him. WOW! Madge must have one busy publicist! And it makes sense: Madonna is over 50 years old now and her fan base has shrunk to down to a handful of old leather queens who long for the good old days, while any young fans are leaving in droves for the newer pastures of Leona Lewis (a dubiously talented shrill), and Katy Perry (an Amy Winehouse wanna-be). This is a huge threat to the aging Madge, who still sees herself as a young and vibrant force of nature. Sadly, the only thing she can really look forward to is the number of drag queens who can continue to lip sync her tired old songs while parading around a stage in fishnet stockings and a pink Members Only jacket. A true artist would seek a way to come back with a more mature sound, a more adult look. But not Vag-donna. She is gonna force her wrinkled old saggy ass in our faces until she dies. I hope it's soon.

All the fags are upset that Rev. Rick Warren - an immensely overweight redneck bigot ass wipe minister - will be giving the inauguration prayer at Obama's inauguration ceremony in January. Now, I think Warren is a huge mistake to begin with, and I have seen and heard his hate rhetoric in video clips on the Internet, and I really don't care to hear him, but I find it very difficult to believe that a prayer should be given at a political event. I thought there was a Constitutional clause about separation of church and state? Did someone neglect to tell Obama? Or does he have a different Constitution? I loathe the idea that someone will be giving a prayer. Prayer has no place in the political arena, just like Jerry Fallwell and Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan have no place in Washington. There is no reason for Obama to have done this other than to share the truth about himself with America - that he has no regard for our Constitution. He and his family can have Warren pray and anoint them after the ceremony, in the privacy of their own home, but not to foist their religious beliefs down America's throat. It's setting a bad precedent, one I hope is a solitary one, and not a sign of more to come. With Obama doing this, are we not just a short hop away from a goose-stepping military?

Food for thought.