Christmas Wishes

Today is Christmas morning, and I have been thinking about the gifts I would like to receive. Herewith are some thoughts:

• Madonna will finally hold a press conference to inform the world that she is retiring and therefore holding her last press conference. And she stays out of the public spotlight until her funeral.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will be abducted by the alien warlord that is the symbol of the Scientology cult and taken to a planet far away from Earth where Tom can finally be an out homosexual and Katie can have birth more demon-spawn siblings for the hideously deformed Suri.
• Robert Pattinson, Taylor Kitsch, Ian Sommerhalder, Milo Ventimiglia, David Archuletta, and Cam Gigandet start doing gay porn
• Britney Spears and her family, including her knuckle-dragging father, slattern mother and sister-whore, Jamie-Lynne all meet at a restaurant in Redneckville, Arkansas and are arrested for public incestuous fornication. The judge so orders that they be locked up forever with no chance for release.
• Alicia Keyes, Leona Lewis, Mariah Carey and all the other rotten pop tarts who cannot hold a tune get a medical procedure that prevents them from ever singing another note.
• George W. Bush is murdered by Laura Bush - just like the guy she murdered a few decades ago. And then, in a fit of rage, Laura takes out her drunken, drug-addict daughters, the Cheney family and Condoleezza Rice while attending the gay marriage of Alberto Gonzalez to a seven year old boy - whom she also kills before committing suicide.
• Lindsey Lohan and her man-friend, Samantha Ronson are thrown out of every club in the United States and the motion picture industry as well.
• Angelina Jolie's lips finally explode.
• Sarah Palin and her family - all 4,000 kids and her husband - are swallowed whole by a massive crevice in the Alaskan wilderness, never to be heard from again.
• Every Republican is exposed for the liars and cheats that they are.
• Joe Lieberman, BFF of John McCain, travels back to Israel and is shot dead before his feet hit the hallowed soil
• Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia finally drops dead.
• Paris Hilton, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Nicole Ritchie, Amy Winehouse, P. Diddy, Kanye West, Jeb Bush, Kathleen Harris, Rudy Giulianni, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Cardinal George of Chicago, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Rev. Michael Pflegger are all trampled or gored to death at the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
• Barak Obama reforms Washington to such a degree that there is no more political partisanship, and everyone works for the common good of the American people instead of stealing from us and lying to our faces.
• American Idol goes off the air and Ryan Seacrest is free to pursue his true dream of being a drag queen in a West Hollywood gay bar.
• Osama bin Laden is finally caught (since Bush refused to do it), and is vivisected on public television by the families of the 9/11 tragedy.
• Hannah Montana is cancelled, forcing Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus to admit to a torrid incest affair and banishing themselves to the hills of Kentucky to raise their retarded offspring.
• The Jonas Brothers finally come out of the closet.
• Oprah balloons up in weight and explodes on the set of her show.
• Guy Ritchie tells an already suspicious public that Madonna is really a man.
• Hate-mongers like Rush Limbaugh, Hannity and Combs, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Larry Craig, the entire Bush family, Tucker Carlson, Donald Rumsfeld, the entire Cheney family, Nancy Grace, and Ann Coulter are rounded up and penned in an escape proof jail where they cannibalize each other.